The writing of this book was a serious struggle for me. I would think about sitting down and working on my computer, but I just kept putting it off. When I did finally try, my mind went completely blank. The words would not come; my head would begin to hurt, and I would experience anxiety attacks. Questions ran rampant through my mind. I asked, “God, what should I write? How should I say it? Will anyone read it? Will it make any sense?” Then I moved into the realm of insecurity, and I said to myself, “You know, you really aren’t a writer anyway. What made you think that you could do this? You really should try to use bigger words, more complicated sentences, and more descriptive phrases.” I found myself writing and deleting, writing and deleting. Writing is hard work, and yet I kept writing because somewhere inside of me there was a knowing. I knew that if I kept trying, eventually it would all come together.
My struggle to write mirrors our struggle in prayer. Praying is something that we need to do, but we don’t always feel like doing it. We keep putting it off until a so-called more convenient time. Prayer, much to our dismay, is not an orderly experience. If we were honest, we would admit that there are times when we really don’t look forward to it. Nighttime comes and we say that we are too exhausted to pray. Morning comes and we say it’s too early to pray, or we get up so late that there is no time to pray.
Sometimes we can’t think of what to say; our thoughts are chaotic and all over the place. We say the same thing over and over again, or what we pray sounds so ridiculous that we push the “delete” button and ask God to ignore it. We begin to ask questions, “Who am I to ask anything of God? Does God really want to hear this? Am I worthy of talking to God? Do I really want to hear what God has to say?” And yet, in spite of all of the confusion, the doubts, and the questions, somewhere inside of us we know that we must keep on praying. Prayer is really not so much about what goes on in us; it is about a God who understands all about us. Confusion, anxiety, fears, and questions are all a part of the prayer experience. These things do not necessarily hinder our prayers. Do not expect to have peaceful and calm moments every time you engage in prayer. You can, however, expect for God to honor, to hear, and to respond to even your most disorderly prayer. God will see you through your confusion.